Elise Sereni
     Patkotak
Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Ever wonder how they plan to enforce the rules on using bathrooms based on the sex with which you were born? Check out my column today in the Alaska Dispatch News or my posting tomorrow for the answer.

Elise Patkotak • 03:58 AM •
Tuesday, May 03, 2016

I can’t decide who would make me throw up quicker if I were forced to have sex with him… Ted Cruz, Donald Trump or Bill Clinton.  It’s a true toss up. Though just seeing Trump and Cruz makes me throw up in my mouth a little so they definitely have the advantage here.

Elise Patkotak • 03:56 AM •
Monday, May 02, 2016

Aside from the fact that I was never in shape to wear a see through dress, I have to say that I find them distinctly unattractive. If you are going to go naked, then just go naked. Throwing some gauzy number over your body while taping your boobs to strategically placed dots on the gauze just looks stupid.

Elise Patkotak • 10:54 AM •
Friday, April 29, 2016

In case you haven’t seen it yet, there was an article in the ADN yesterday about Alaska Senate President Kevin Meyer having a $100 meal with lobbyists a week before voting to buy the LIO building in Anchorage. Oh, did I mention the lobbyists worked for the owner of the building. Anyhow, here’s what Meyer’s had to say about the issue:
“Meyer said that the idea that lawmakers should pay for their own meals when they dine with lobbyists is a “topic worth discussion.” But the very idea seemed to perplex him.
“We could pay for our own way,” he said. “I’m just trying to think how that would work.”

OH DEAR LORD! Here’s how it works. The check hits the table. Everyone takes out their wallet and pay for their portion.
See, that wasn’t hard to figure out, now was it? Even a politician should be able to follow the protocol without much difficulty.

Elise Patkotak • 03:36 AM •
Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I was totally blocked on this week’s column. Thought I couldn’t do one more piece about the incompetence coming out of Juneau. But then I thought of how they call themselves fiscal conservatives and it was like a steam engine blowing. It took less than an hour to draft out the column. I guess I still have things I want to say to that clown car we call a legislature. It will appear here on Thursday or read it Wednesday in the Anchorage Dispatch News.

Elise Patkotak • 03:57 AM •
Saturday, April 23, 2016
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Here’s my Captain doing what he loved to do best… eat. Is it any wonder that we spent 38 wonderful years together. He may have been hell on wheels, but he was my hell on wheels and I still feel as though my heart is broken and will never be whole again.
Fly free over that Rainbow Bridge. And may you have all the walnuts you ever wanted for as long as you want them. No one left to say you’re getting overweight. It’s a dream we both shared.
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Elise Patkotak • 05:06 PM •
Friday, April 22, 2016

We need a new incubator at Bird TLC and we need it ASAP since baby bird season is about to start. We don’t have the money for a new one but a group is helping us raise money for the incubator. Go to http://www.babywarm.org/projects/amy-k/ and make a donation. The babies and I both thank you.

Elise Patkotak • 10:39 AM •
Tuesday, April 19, 2016

My Amazon parrot Captain and I have been together for 38 years. I found him dead in his cage yesterday. He waited for me to come home from my trip and died the next day. As soon as the Geek Squad gets here and figures out why my scanner and computer stopped speaking to each other, I’ll scan in the best picture I have of him. He was not the friendliest of birds. He had a very definite personality that mostly said he would accept you only on his terms. But I loved how feisty he was. I loved how he met the world on his terms. He spent the last years of his life trying to take off our vet Dr. Nicholson’s fingers when he went in for his beaky/pedi. I always thought he’d stay around until he had succeeded in removing at least one of them.
I love you, Captain. Fly free. Say hi to Adeline and Morris and Kenya and Lovey and Mr. T. I can’t wait to join you over that Rainbow Bridge. The world is getting lonelier and lonelier and I long to be reunited with all my beautiful birds and dogs in a place where none of us will ever again be sick or get old.

Elise Patkotak • 04:48 PM •
Monday, April 18, 2016

I got in at 1 Am last night. I’m not sure of how many hours of time change at this point. But I think I just wrote my column with my nose while snoring on the keyboard. I’m going to bed now.

Elise Patkotak • 03:40 PM •
Friday, April 15, 2016

Leave today for St. Louis. Tomorrow is THE WEDDING. Then back to Anchorage on Sunday. May not wear a bra again for the next month after this.

Elise Patkotak • 03:12 AM •
Wednesday, April 13, 2016

I go into a dressing room. My sister runs back periodically with armloads of clothes for me to try on. I walk out of the dressing room an hour later with enough clothes to last me for the next five years. And if god is good to me, I won’t have to do it again for even longer.

Elise Patkotak • 03:10 AM •
Tuesday, April 12, 2016

If my sister and I didn’t look so much alike, serious questions could be raised about whether we could possibly really be siblings.
She took me to a concert at the Keswick Theater in suburban Philly on Saturday to hear a group called The Faux Four. I think because it was Beatles’ music she assumed I would have A. heard the songs before and B. would enjoy it.
Halfway through I had to get up and go to the lobby where a nice lady gave me ear plugs. I shoved them so far into my ears I swear they were touching my brain. Then I put my fingers over my ears to drown out the sound even more. Then I went to the farthest end of the lobby to get away from the sound. And yet it was still too loud. My head vibrated, my brain vibrated, my whole body vibrated. I wanted to jump up screaming “Inside voices! Inside voices!”. In the end, I simply realized this was why I haven’t been to a concert in over forty years and why it will be even longer before I go to one again.
Seriously, why does it have to be so loud that it makes your ears bleed?

Elise Patkotak • 03:02 AM •
Monday, April 11, 2016

My sister and I drove from Atlantic City to Philly on Saturday through a snow storm. In April. In New Jersey. What the hell?
Woke up the next day at her friend’s house where all their blooming lilies had just given up during the night and drooped sadly in death.
But thank god the Republicans are still assuring us that there is no such thing as climate change.

Elise Patkotak • 09:58 AM •
Wednesday, April 06, 2016

On the East Coast visiting family and not getting to my webpage like I should. I’ll do better soon. Or not. I’m on vacation and feeling like I am responsible to no one. Will post columns on this page everyThursday as usual. So check in tomorrow for sure. Other than that… you’re not the boss of me. I can blog whenever I feel - oh god, who am I kidding. I was raised on Catholic guilt by nuns. I will get back to posting every day in order to ensure my chances at heaven.

Elise Patkotak • 06:33 AM •
Friday, April 01, 2016

I will spend today with two sisters I have known since the earliest of our childhoods… I mean so early we weren’t even in school yet and I started school at 3 1/2. The older I get, the more special times like this become. How lucky am I to still have these friends, to still visit with these friends, to have people whose memories fill in my gaps about whose store was where on the street and what the neighborhood names were. Yep, I am very lucky.

Elise Patkotak • 03:56 AM •

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