Elise Sereni
     Patkotak
Thursday, April 12, 2007

You would think at some point my dog Blue would be embarrassed to be walking around with bird poop on her head. But she isn’t. I try to tell Abdul it’s not nice to lure Blue under her cage by dropping food and then takling aim and pooping once Blue is occupied sucking up all the loose seeds. But Abdul is obviously amused by the whole process. And Blue walks around shaking her head because there always seems to be sticky stuff on it that’s dripping on to her face.  And that, in turn, makes me very careful to check before petting her. Well, at least my home is never dull.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:53 AM •
Wednesday, April 11, 2007

OK, now that all the political pundits and talking heads have had their chance to pick last week’s election apart, it’s time for a layperson to check in with her perspective. I claim the title of layperson since I can honestly say that I NEVER pay attention to most of the issues we vote on until absolutely forced to by an impending election. And even then I tend to hang up on all the recorded messages because I’m just too old and have way too little time left in life to listen to them.

So my preparation for an election consists of three things.  One is reading the paper late at night before I fall asleep and hoping that the information oozes through to my brain past the fog of drowsiness that seems to overcome me about 9 PM. Two is listening to the shows put on by KSKA and KAKM before elections. And three...well, there really isn’t a three.  If something seems really important I might read the junk mail I get about it. But mostly that mail hits the trash before it even gets into my house. 
So from the perspective of a voter who votes in most elections, here’s my recap of an election that saw dramatically less than 50% of the voting public make decisions for all the rest of you who don’t seem to get how important you vote actually is.
I had a hard time voting for all those bond propositions because, to be honest, if my property taxes go up much more, I’ll have to dramatically downsize my home. I can afford the mortgage but I sure can’t afford the constant rise in property taxes that comes both from bond propositions and the amazing increase in assessed value my home suddenly has realized. Yet I voted for the bonds.
I think this was a combination of feeling like Scrooge if I voted no again and having actually paid attention to what they were for and feeling that they were needed.  The fact that there would be lots of outside money to help with costs actually influenced me a lot less than the people flogging those points would think. Ultimately, I had to decide that we needed the projects the bonds would pay for or I would not have voted for them unless they were totally free.
I found the various city races to be as predictable as I imagined.  I happen to live in a section of town where the candidates running to represent me on the Assembly simply didn’t come out as being that much different.  But then it seems to me that local races here in Anchorage really don’t end up being very colorful most of the time. 
In this regard I have to say that local elections on the North Slope were a lot more fun. Since the total population of the North Slope is less than just my area of Anchorage, all elections up there are very personal. That makes them a lot more interesting to watch as they develop. And, may I add, people running for office on the North Slope give things away like potholders and sewing kids and hats...all kinds of fun stuff. I think we should import that practice here. If nothing else, they make great items for July 4 scavenger hunts.
Finally, of course, I can hardly discuss last week’s election without referring to that inanely stupid million dollar opinion poll masquerading as a vote on the issue of benefits for same sex couples. Heck, if they’d given me half as much money, I’d have polled at least as many people as bothered to vote on Tuesday and gotten the results for the state a whole lot cheaper.
The problem is, I think we were asking the wrong question. Since the concern seems to be that anything to do with same sex couples weakens traditional marriages, and since traditional first marriages are failing at a rate close to 50%, I think we should just poll people whose marriages have failed and find out what percent of their marriages fell apart due to the presence of same sex couples in Alaska or the provision of health care benefits to same sex partners here.  Heck, let’s expand the question since we already have them on the phone and ask how many think that the existence of same sex couples in this state has caused their children to chose to be gay.
Now those would be poll results worth reading. And again, let me add, I will do it for way less than a million dollars.  Wait, is that my phone I hear ringing?  Is it the state office of inane and expensive polls offering me a contract? Could I be that lucky?

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:38 AM •
Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I drank iced tea at dinner last night without remembering the caffeine content.  At three this morning I was trying to convince my dogs to wake up and play with me. They were not amused. Blue got up from my bed in a very disgruntled manner and moved downstairs. (Shades of my marriage!) Blondie refused to even lift her head off the couch and pretend that she heard me. So I was forced to lie in bed and wonder when I lost control of the pets in my life. And then the answer came to me.  I never had it.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:09 AM •
Monday, April 09, 2007

I took our family’s Easter ricotta pie recipe and tried to make it diabetic friendly by taking out the rice, not using a crust and substituting fake sugar.  And I’m here to tell you, it’s just not the same.  Not even if I close my eyes and wish really, really hard. Pie without crust, it turns out, is not really a pie and not really a cake and not really something that holds together outside of the pan. But it makes great ricotta pudding.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:53 AM •
Sunday, April 08, 2007

The more I read about the dire predictions for earth’s immediate future, the more I am amazed at the fact that Kevin Costner might have been way ahead of his time with Waterworld. That statement alone probably indicates the end of the world as we know it.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:55 AM •
Saturday, April 07, 2007

I had to take a cab to an eye doc’s appointment this week because I can’t see to drive back after they’ve dilated my eyes. When the cab picked me up, the driver commented that it was raining all over town but when he turned down the road to my house, he noticed the rain turned to snow. He thought that was odd. I think it’s just cruel and that god will have a lot to answer for when I get to wherever it is I go after I die.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:23 AM •
Friday, April 06, 2007

For some reason, last night I went to a website that let me play Dean Martin singing That’s Amore. The next thing I know, I was singing as loud as I could while my bird Abdul looked at me like he suddenly realized he was in a locked room with a mad woman.  Which he kind of was.  But I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I couldn’t carry a tune with a wheelbarrow’s assistance or that I stumbled over half the words.  Because suddenly I was back in my Italian childhood in Ducktown in Atlantic City and it was the 1950s and I had no greater care than getting to school with my friend Grace every day and making sure I made the nuns happy. And right across the street was the Venice Restaurant. Dean Martin used to go eat there after he and Jerry Lewis performed at the 500 Club around the corner. The parking valet was a friend of my dad’s and he’d always let us know when they came. They’d stand in the doorway and sign autographs before they went in to eat. I would see him and think he was cute and Jerry Lewis was the funniest person on earth and I was thrilled to be so close. The sun was always shinning and I’ve never felt so safe because it was my neighborhood and I knew everyone and everyone knew me.  And suddenly, as these memories washed over me, I was crying and singing all at the same time because I was in my childhood living room and mom and dad were still alive and we were all watching the Dean Martin Show together.
I have to stop listening to his music or my bird is going to start dialing 911.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:00 AM •
Thursday, April 05, 2007

I looked into the mirror this morning and saw the shadow of a mustache on my upper lip. It was then that I realized I’d totally skipped my mother and morphed into my grandmother.  Now all I need are black orthopedic shoes, a black dress and an apron for the transformation to be complete. I am a nona.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:22 AM •
Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I was listening to a show on NPR about the chaos caused in Iraq by the wholesale firing of all Baathists after the invasion.  While the reasons for the purge will probably be debated for a long time to come, and no one who has an ounce of sense in their heads doubts that some Baathists were very bad people, the result of the wholesale purge was total collapse of the civil service system in the country.

Yes, I can hear the laughter now from those who are thinking that maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea here. Get rid of all the bureaucrats. Cleanse the government.  Cut our taxes by saving money now spent on their over-inflated, undeserved salaries.
As a former bureaucrat, I’ve heard it all before.  And I just want to say, really?  You really want that to happen here?  First get rid of all the lawyers, then cleanse the government of all the career bureaucrats? Then...what?  Do you think the system will be better? More efficient? Less costly?
I will be the first to admit that there are people all over state, federal and local government bureaucracies who are marking time till they can retire to that nifty little condo they’re paying on in Florida or Hawaii or Mexico.  But in all my years in government service, I’ve never seen them as the majority. In fact, most of the real workers who kept the system going resented the “wait it out till retirement without rocking the boat” attitude these people personified because it just meant extra work for everyone else.
So listening to this show describe what happened in Iraq when the bureaucracy was summarily disbanded was quite fascinating.  Suddenly people realized all the things that were done by bureaucrats that were taken for granted because suddenly those things weren’t being done.  From obvious things like trash collection, animal control or pension checks mailed on time to the more hidden but still needed tasks of government, Iraqis suddenly realized that absence of functioning municipal agencies made the chaos worse. And while some people still lumped all Baathists together as a uniformly evil group of people, others were now wondering if perhaps they’d been just a bit precipitous in cleansing them from government.
Because it turns out that you pretty much couldn’t get a civil service job in Iraq under Hussein unless you joined the Baathist party. You couldn’t, for instance, teach in Iraq unless you were a Baathist.  So every schoolteacher was a Baathist even though many were no more active in the party than most of us are in the party of our choice. I wonder how many of the regular folks in Iraq, the ones who had the skills to fill a position if only they would register with the Baathist party, in fact registered as Baathist to be able to have a job, work at their chosen career, feed their family and pay their bills.
When I was growing up, my parents worked a small grocery store and on any given week had no idea if they would come out ahead, owe money or break even.  They wanted their children to get government jobs so that we would have some security.  My brother became a public school teacher and I became many things, all of which led me to employment with the feds, the state or the North Slope Borough. We both worked hard and deserved the pay we got and I resented the periodic eruptions from people who thought all bureaucrats were fat cats feeding at the public trough.
I think the people in Iraq started to understand this when the lights went out, the trash piled up, the checks stopped coming, nurses and doctors couldn’t be found at government hospitals and teachers sat home unable to teach. 
We spend a lot of time griping about the bloated bureaucracy in this country. But generally speaking, we all want those government services there when we need them.  Because this is America, we have some assurance that the people in those positions can do their jobs no matter which party is in power because they didn’t get them based on their political affiliation. Just another reason we don’t often recognize for why we should be so happy to live in America.
I’m not going to officially proclaim this “Hug a Bureaucrat Day” because I think that could just get messy in ways I don’t want to imagine. But you could do worse than say thanks to people who hear the word so very rarely from the public they serve.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:38 AM •
Tuesday, April 03, 2007

John McCain has gone completely insane and Hillary Clinton now has enough money to buy the White House.  It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:23 AM •
Monday, April 02, 2007

If there is any doubt that Karl Rove deserves to go to hell for eternity, it was wiped away by the sight of him rapping and doing what I can only assume he thought was rap dancing in a tuxedo.  They may have to legalize a lot more drugs to help me move past this moment.  I wake up screaming in the night. My eyes...my eyes… NOTE TO ALL MIDDLE AGED AND OLDER WHITE MEN IN DC - YOU CANNOT RAP. YOU CAN BARELY DANCE.  YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN’T RAP AND DANCE AT THE SAME TIME.
And, may I add, BRING BACK STEVEN COLBERT.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BRING BACK STEVEN.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:57 AM •
Sunday, April 01, 2007

Does anyone actually listen to all those recorded messages from politicians running for office, special interests wanting you to vote one way or another on a proposition, etc. etc. ad nauseam? I just came back from all of 90 minutes away from my desk and almost the entire recording time on my answer machine was filled up with them because Anchorage has an election coming up on Tuesday. I couldn’t hit delete fast enough.  It’s enough to make me want to vote AGAINST the people who are annoying me so much with these damn recordings.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 06:53 AM •
Saturday, March 31, 2007

I lost my favorite gardener and all around wonderful person to cancer this month.  I know her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are all missing her very much. As for me, I have to believe she is in heaven advising God on how to plant Her spring garden and gently telling Her which are weeds and which aren’t.  And if God has any sense at all, She will listen to Pat’s advice.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 07:29 AM •
Friday, March 30, 2007

Well, I guess I have my answer now. If your dogs are loose and threatening me when I walk, it’s my problem.  Animal Control not only is of little use, but if you complain, you get a call from someone who makes it sound as though you are the annoyance and those poor people with the loose dogs are being harrassed. At least I know where I stand now.
By the way, Anchorage Animal Control, you should screen your officers better and only let certain ones actually have contact with the public. The others should stick to animals who won’t catch the tone of annoyance and condescension in their voice when they talk to you.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 07:24 AM •
Thursday, March 29, 2007

I know that when someone invokes their Fifth Amendment rights I should not automatically assume they are guilty of something and covering up. But I do. And I bet you do too. What’s scary is when the person doing it is from the highest levels of the Department of Justice.

Elise Sereni Patkotak • 07:06 AM •

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