Columns 2007

Politics for the birds

There’s going to be a lot of political campaigning in the coming months. Heck, there’s already been more in the past twelve months than probably occurred in the first one hundred years of America’s existence. So much hot air at a time when global warming is already a problem.  So there is every chance that you join me in feeling as though hearing one more word from Obama or Hillary or Rudy or (non-candidate but somehow mysteriously still acting like one) Fred, will cause you to run into the Alaska night screaming, “The horror!  The horror!”

There is hope on

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Campaign season officially underway

Apparently in some quaint old fashioned world we can barely remember now, the official campaign for president would have begun after Labor Day.  Sigh….how I long for the days when that was true. Am I the only one who thinks there is a connection between the amount of hot air put out by candidates who start running before the president even takes his oath of office and the rapidity with which global warming is overtaking our world?  Maybe the EPA should be the agency to regulate all political campaigns. They could set a limit to how much hot air any

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pictures

What this dog is saying

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Celia’s look alone says it all. She’s saying, “But mom, I don’t want to live in Tucson with the temperature at 110 and I have to sleep in water to stay cool. I’d so much rather live in Anchorage where it’s cold, damp and dreary.” A good mother would listen.

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Happy Labor Day

I have two wishes for this Labor Day. One, some mysterious stranger dies and leaves me enough money to stop laboring.  Two, that all our military in Iraq soon find themselves out of work and back home trying to fill the day drilling and hugging their families.  Oh yeah, a third one…..that George Bush and Dick Cheney and all associated with them are someday jailed for taking a salary from us for the horrible labor they’ve claimed to do on our behalf.

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Now I understand

Now I understand the logic of closeted gay conservative (usually hyper-Christian) politicians against gay marriage. If they were allowed to marry a person of the same sex, they’d have no excuse for being in the closet and then they’d have to explain anonymous bathroom sex to their spouse. This way, they aren’t accountable to anyone. 

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This law is only for teens?

A bill has been introduced into the state legislature in California that would prohibit drivers under 18 from using cell phones in any way, shape or form while driving. It would also prohibit them from text messaging, using a lap top or a pager while driving.  First of all, really?  This is not something their parents mights have mentioned to them as a bad idea while driving? But no, on second thought, this is something that should be expanded to include all the idiot adults who do it too.  My greatest fear is not Al Qaida. My greatest fear is

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The privelege of being Alaskan

I hiked a trail behind Alyeska on Sunday.  Dear god, how did I ever get lucky enough to be an Alaskan? What a privelege it is to be allowed to wander a trail of such natural beauty and glory. I was so into the whole nature thing. And then a little five or six year old girl came skipping passed me on the path…SKIPPING! on the path I was panting as I climbed. And suddenly the sun went behind the clouds and all I could think was…BITCH!

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Columns 2007

My summer adventure

If I was still a school kid, I suppose this column would be entitled, “My Summer Vacation Adventure.” Since I’m not, it might end up being titled, “Why Elise’s Friends Remain Stunned By The Fact That She Has Managed To Grow This Old Without Accidentally Killing Herself.”

It all began quite innocently. I was invited to a friend’s house for dinner.  She and her husband live about four miles away, a straight shot down C Street. Since a nice path is available, I decided to walk there. Because this was going to be such a simple task, I didn’t take

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Alberto. we hardly knew ye!

I thought it appropriate to wait a few days before acting too happy over Alberto’s resignation.  Seemed to be the polite thing to do. But now that the proper mourning period has passed, let me just say…WHAT TOOK YOU SO DAMN LONG, YOU BUMBLING, FUMBLING, BARELY COHERENT, MEMORY IMPAIRED, MORALITY ABSENT, PARASITE WHOSE LIPS ARE SO FIRMLY GLUED TO BUSH’S BACKSIDE THAT YOU WILLINGLY CO-OPTED OUR ENTIRE LEGAL SYSTEM TO MEET HIS POLITICAL NEEDS!  And that’s why I waited. You can’t imagine what I wanted to say a few days ago.

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Bad judgement?

Michael Vicks apologized for bad judgement and immaturity. Really?  You kill dogs with your bare hands and call it immaturity.  You torment dogs till they become so crazed they want to kill each other and call it bad judgement? May you go to hell forever.  And be tormented by people with bad judgement and immaturity till all you want to do is fight and kill the people who ran this dog ring with you.

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