I always suspected

So here’s the headline that merely confirms what I have long suspected…

“Researchers Are Now Saying That Lettuce Can Hear When It’s Being Eaten”

Yes, eating veggies is a cruel and unusual act that causes pain to that lettuce leaf. Is it any wonder that the romaines finally turned against us and starting killing us?

As someone who has always firmly believed eating a dead cookie is much more humane than munching on lettuce and ignoring the screams from your mouth, I can’t say I’m surprised by this. I know veggies are supposed to be our best friends but really – how can anything that screams as you masticate it to death be your friend?

Now ice cream on the other hand – or chocolate – or even just a slab of cheese cake will never scream at you for eating it. They will make both your mouth and stomach happy without resenting you for killing them.

So eat up folks – but don’t be murderers. Go buy a pecan pie for dinner and a chocolate cake for dessert. It’s the right and humane thing to do.