Well, it’s apparently official. Our gal Temporary Sal will be returning to the place where it all began to do a book signing at Elmendorf. And no, don’t bother getting all gussied up. It’s closed to the general public. Yep, when Temporary Sal waves goodbye to us common folk, she really means goodbye.
But since I believe that in her heart she’s still just that little belle from Wasilla who stole our hearts and trust a scant few years ago, I also believe that she is probably still at least vaguely interested in what’s been happening in Alaska since she’s left.
So this special report is just for you, Sal.
For one thing, it’s still cold here so we are crossing our fingers that we can talk our way out of this global warming scam by pointing to the thermostats on the side of our houses. The fact that the liberal media seems intent on reporting only the negative, like the astonishing shrinking ice cap and soon to be clear northwest passage, while we shiver in our homes with the temps set to 65 because we’re running out of natural gas here in Southcentral, is just a damned conspiracy.
Oh, another thing you should know is not to try to visit your almost in-law in Wasilla for the holidays. She’s at Hiland Mountain. Something silly about oxycontin pills and a parking lot and surveillance… those darn Valley cops seem to have nothing better to do than pop your almost relatives to add to the bad press the Valley seems to generate with its meth labs.
And despite your best efforts, the capital is still in Juneau. Though I hear there are some in Juneau who don’t think you knew that even when you were governor. But it is. Really. Don’t let all those legislative types seen in Anchorage trying to figure out a way to build themselves a capital on the sly fool you. Juneau has nothing to cling to but memories of videos at the Baranof if the capital leaves. They need more to compensate for the rain.
Now I’m guessing Levi didn’t take you up on your offer for Thanksgiving dinner with the almost relatives. That’s the bad news. The good news is that he actually went for the tasteful in his Playgirl photo shoot, but which I mean he covered up his vital spot. I think he deserves some credit for not giving us, and every gay man in America, the full Monty. In fact, if you run into him in LA, go ahead and invite him Christmas dinner. Isn’t that what the holidays are for – bringing feuding family members together to create yet another memorable holiday meal of tension and snarls.
Governor Parnell is actually doing a decent job… though god knows after the excitement of your short reign anyone who keeps us off Inside Edition is considered a savior. Much to many Alaskans’ surprise though, he turned out to be pretty competent at being governor. I know you’ll be glad to hear that given how hard it seemed to be for you to figure that out.
Our corruption trials have slowed down to a halt. Some convicted felons walk among us again thanks to the amazing incompetence of federal prosecutors. Ben Stevens is still a free man, un-indicted and seemingly untouchable. Who would have ever figured on that, eh?
OK, well that’s about it for what’s been happening up north while you’ve been down south hobnobbing with Conan and Bill Shatner and all. So glad you could take time to visit. Maybe next go round you’ll feel safe enough to actually visit with us commoners and not need a military base protected by heavy artillery.
We can always dream, right?