The following top ten fashion rules for Los Angeles women comes from a reader down in Homer, Barbara Landi. After reading my column on how you can tell you’re getting closer to Alaska by the fashions women are wearing at the airport gates, she sent me the following based on her observations of women at LAX.
1. Let there be gold in your outfit somewhere, preferably everywhere.
2. Thy shoes shall have no backs and be the least comfortable footware on the rack. (Too bad if you have to run to make a connection. You will never make it anyway.)
3. Thou shalt adorn thyself with large jewelry consisting of many pieces, parts and colors; the more of your jewelry wardrobe you can hang on yourself at once, the better.
4. Thou shalt carry a large multi-colored unsightly satchel adorned with many meaningless buckles and straps.
5. Thy hair shall be worn long and blond in some hideous configuration, no matter if you are 95 years old.
6. Thy skin shall be tanned and tight, no matter if you are 95 years old.
7. Thous shalt wear bold colored or patterned leggings under some kind of a shorter filmy dress, no matter if you are 95 years old.
8. Expose thy cleavage, or lack thereof, no matter if you are 95 years old.
9. Thy finger & toenails shall ever be artistically painted, and some shade of gold is always preferred.
10.Douse thyself in “fragrance” so that even the blind and deaf shall be aware your presence.