Author: admin

Get gastric bypass surgery. You’re starting to look like Marlon Brando, the later years.

I don’t know about you, but I wear sweats and a tiara while eating bean soup and corn bread to celebrate this most glamorous of all nig….oh god, I can’t even fake my enthusiasm long enough to finish that sentence. I watch them to see what ridiculous gowns will appear this year on people old enough to know better. So far, nothing in recent history matches the lady who wore the swan or the one who looked like an anorexic ballet dancer or that see through outfit Barbra Streisand wore when her butt loomed so large.  Each year I keep

If you zoom up behind me in traffic as though I could magically leapfrog over the car in front of me so you can continue your mad dash towards death, I promise you this. I will slow down to 35 mph and watch through my rear view mirror while your blood pressure rises until it blows the top of your head off. I will laugh maniacally the entire time.

For my Hall of Infamy, I am going to propose any candidate for president who declares his or her candidacy more than twelve months ahead of the actual election. This is America, damn it. No one should be allowed to annoy me longer than that without paying me for the privelege.

I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. But I must admit I thought the Dems would hold it together for at least a month after Obama declared his candidacy.  Ah me. What an eternal optimist I am.  Let the bloodshed commence.

Every once in a while I fantasize about what it would be like if George Bush took violently ill and had to leave the presidency.  And it occurs to me that if that happened, Dick Cheney would be president. So then my fantasy continues that Dickie gets violently ill and can’t be president either.  At that point it occurs to me that the next in line is Nancy Pelosi. And my heart starts to sink as I wonder how deep we’d have to go before we found someone to be president who didn’t make me want to run screaming into

I can only thank god mine are over and done with.  But for those of you who still feel like you are periodically dumped into the center of the sun, check out Menohaven.com.  A friend told me about the site so I went over to see what they’ve invented since I went through menopause to help the process along.  Needless to say, since men don’t suffer from menopause or have hot flashes, science hasn’t come up with a way to let us glide through this period with a smile and a laugh.  But other women have sure done a

Like an aging Manson groupie who spent too much time in jail.

that you could take an eraser and just erase Brittany Spears from the world?

It was really weird. After my dog Mr. T died, Abdul, my African Gray parrot, didn’t call him even once. And he used to call him every morning when we got up. He’d scream, “TEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! C’mon. Go out. C’mon, T.” And suddenly, about two days ago, as I was sitting down here in the office, all of a sudden I hear him calling, “TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”. Just calling his name over and over. Needless to say, I got hysterical.