Elise Sereni
Tuesday, August 04, 2015

I will do my shift at Bird TLC and then you will find me quietly sobbing in my bedroom and begging for winter to return.
Once again, I DID NOT move to Alaska for the heat!

Elise Patkotak • 03:40 AM •
Monday, August 03, 2015

It will get close to 80 degrees here today and tomorrow and mid seventies the rest of the week. I am in hell. This is not why I live in Alaska. I moved from Barrow to Anchorage specifically because this is not Fairbanks where it’s forty below all winter and 100 above all summer. I move to Anchorage where it is supposed to be damp, rainy and cool. So what the hell is it with all this sunshine? Oh god, make it be winter quickly.

Elise Patkotak • 03:25 AM •
Sunday, August 02, 2015

I can’t walk my dogs when the temps get over 72. They pant and choke the entire walk and then come back and throw up water they drank last month.  They are Alaskan dogs. They want cold!

Elise Patkotak • 02:54 PM •
Saturday, August 01, 2015

According to the transcripts from a lawsuit in which Donald Trump was deposed, aside from proving what some of us already knew about what an asshole he is, he also apparently gave us a glimpse into his version of finance. In his world, he evaluates his worth based on how he’s feeling on any given day about the world in general. So a property he valued at $80 million one year, suddenly was worth $150 milllion based on how he was feeling about it the next year. No appraisal needed. Now we know how he manages to claim he’s worth billions more than he actually is. He uses the time honored process of “feeling finances”.
I’d like to take this opportunity to officially notify the City of Anchorage that I feel my house is worth much less this year than last year so they need to adjust my property taxes based on my “feeling finances” method of gauging the value of anything. In fact, I’m feeling like it’s worth so much less, my taxes should be zero.  Please don’t even bother sending someone out here to appraise it. The appraisal is not as important as my feelings about the property.

Elise Patkotak • 03:18 AM •
Friday, July 31, 2015

So as I stood in the bird room getting ready to feed everyone, I saw one of my parrots casually throw his leg over the cockatoo in order to have a little afternoon delight. At the same time, my one dog, Snowy, was joyously chewing something he’d picked up under one of the bird cages. My other dog, Carm, was watching Snowy’s mouth intently and every time it opened even slightly for the chewing action, tried to stick his nose in so he could smell what was being chewed.  I quietly walked out of the room thinking that this could qualify my house as somewhat strange in some people’s eyes. I can’t say I blame them.

Elise Patkotak • 03:41 AM •
Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Nothing. Just nothing.

Elise Patkotak • 03:03 AM •
Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I keep trying to retire and I can’t figure out if it’s because I can’t say no or simply am too stupid to figure out how, but 15 years later and I’m still trying. That’s just wrong.

Elise Patkotak • 03:31 AM •
Monday, July 27, 2015

Please, oh please Donald, run as an independent when you don’t get the Republican nomination. Do it for those of us who earn our dogs’ treat money from writing about the world in which we live and why we so often find it absurdly amusing. Without you, it will just be a race of the regular crazies. With you… well, with you, it climbs to a whole new level of insanity that I have a feeling I will thoroughly enjoy while piously condemning.

Elise Patkotak • 03:19 AM •
Sunday, July 26, 2015

...this is my response. Thank you Robert Frost.

The Road Not Taken - Poem by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

Elise Patkotak • 03:31 AM •
Saturday, July 25, 2015

I can’t function in that kind of heat so that’s my excuse for no entry yesterday… and I’m sticking to it.

Elise Patkotak • 03:31 AM •
Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Let’s see how we’re doing on the old bucket list.  We’ve had an African American president, gays can marry, pot is legal, and we may very well elect our first female president in 2016. Now if someone would just open up a hole to hell and drop Donald Trump into it, my bucket list would be very near completion.

Elise Patkotak • 03:46 AM •
Tuesday, July 21, 2015

You know you’re in trouble when former Texas Governor Rick Perry starts looking like a reasonable and intelligent candidate given the rest of the field of candidates.

Elise Patkotak • 03:33 AM •
Monday, July 20, 2015

Remember how in the song she goes back to the car to get his high school ring and dies? I used to think that was so romantic and sad. Now I just think, “Idiot!”

Elise Patkotak • 03:11 AM •
Sunday, July 19, 2015

I brought my car in for an oil change and ended up with a fourteen hundred dollar gasket or head or something job. Had my deck pressure washed only to find out I need about $500 in replacements for wood that is rotting. Every time I wash my dishes, there is a stream of water from the washer onto the floor. I do’t even want to think about it. That’s why god made mops.

Elise Patkotak • 03:46 PM •
Saturday, July 18, 2015

When you consider that the Republicans made it their only goal in life to defeat everything Barack Obama tried to do, I think Obama deserves big kudos for getting as much done as he has. Too bad our politicians can’t figure out a way to work together again but instead view the system as some ancient gladiatorial contest in which one must die and one emerge victorious. How pathetic has our supposed democracy become when the only goal is to defeat the president as opposed to what might be best for the country. Just sad.

Elise Patkotak • 03:31 AM •

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