Author: Elise Patkotak

Seems the longer I’m stuck at home doing nothing, the less desire I have to get up and do anything. Continue reading →

Every time I see those tiny-penised, testosterone lacking, armed idiots on the streets carrying the flags of two, not one but two, defeated nations, while the Orange Blob calls them fine people, I can’t help but think again…

I HOPE THEY ALL GO TO ORANGE BLOB’S FIRST RALLY, GET INFECTED WITH COVID 19 AND DIE.

And that includes the Orange Blob.

Continue reading →

I believe that in life we should all have goals. In youth my goals were lofty. I was going to be the first Miss America of Italian descent who also won a Nobel Peace prize and I would do it all while married to Little Joe Cartwright.

My goals have somewhat subsided since then. I now aim to remember the day of the week and the month that week is in. I aim to change my underwear every day and my sweatshirt and pants as least once every week. Ok, once every two weeks assuming nothing of great note or Continue reading →

Even Lucy the Elephant knows that masks just make sense during this pandemic.

Be like Lucy. Be smart. Be safe.

And, given the siren songs of our refrigerators, do your best to not be her size when this is over.

There are people in quarantine who are using their time to run up and down their stairs and around their house while carrying heavy loads to keep their cardio workout going. There are those who have finished completely renovating their house, including installing new bathtubs, toilets and sinks throughout. You will find these people on their roofs now replacing tiles. There are those who have finally finished that scarf they’ve been crocheting or that sweater set they’ve been knitting and are now starting on a cozy that will wrap around the entire living room to line it with warmth and Continue reading →

Is it week two or three… or forty?

What do you do if you are Italian and stuck at home all day? You order a gabillion dollars’ worth of groceries and cook it all even if there is no one else in the house to eat it except you. Based on this premise, I am proud to now announce that I have chicken broth, chicken soup, chicken salad, broiled chicken, boiled chicken and a meatloaf in my refrigerator. I have a gallon of my mom’s Sunday sauce in the freezer accompanied by about three gallons of beans and cabbage soup. Continue reading →

I’ve been publishing some helpful – ok, I think they are – corona virus stay at home ideas in our local paper here. So for all of you who are silly enough to not read the Anchorage Daily News, I’m going to post them here. So that’s what you’ll see for the next four days and then who the hell knows. We may all be dead by then.

Cheers!

            I like to think of myself as a helpful kind of person. I help birds. I help dogs. When pushed, I even help some people if I like them enough. Continue reading →

Don’t know how to explain what happened between this and my last post. Seemed like it was only days. Turns out it was almost three weeks. Time is different in isolation.

I realize my days are becoming numbingly alike. Feed dogs. Feed birds. Watch TV. To keep myself from going totally crazy, I’ve assigned specific tasks to specific days. Certain days I do the wash. Certain days I clean the bird cages. Certain days I get stoned so I can forget how miserably boring all the other days are getting.

But, in my continuing effort to provide a public service, Continue reading →

I am trying to not become a formless mass of overweight protoplasm during this quarantine but it is not easy. I mean, seriously, am I the only one who hears my refrigerator calling me, like ALL the time.

I am back to being a teenager. I stand in front of an open refrigerator door that contains any number of healthy foods and snacks and all I can wonder is how long it will get the pizza to arrive if I order it immediately.

So, it turns out isolating me is not the answer for getting me excited about eating healthy. Continue reading →