I’ve decided that one of the scariest things in life is walking around my neighborhood in the spring without my glasses. Now you would think that walking around my old Brooklyn neighborhood would win the prize in this category. But until you’ve accidentally run into a moose and her calf, you really don’t know what heart stopping fear is. Of course, if my dogs would bark half as much at the moose as they do at my neighbors, I’d have some early warning. But no, they just lift their heads a bit and sniff the air and I’m supposed to
From bottom to top
Last year this time, Alaska had the most unpopular governor in the country. This year we have the most popular. Since her views are actually to the right of the former governor on many issues and would cause great heartburn among her many admirers if she actually pushed those views, this popularity can only be viewed as a case of brilliant PR. This woman understands the media and uses it judiciously. Whoever her advisers are in this area, you all deserve a raise.
Football program of questionable value
The pictures in the paper last week of the Barrow boys’ football team frolicking in the ocean off Florida were geared towards only one response. Everyone was supposed to say, “Aw.”
Once we get past the cute factor, however, some hard questions need to be asked. Perhaps first and foremost should be how a community justifies the hundreds of thousands of dollars it will spend on a handful of boys on a football team while cutting back on academics, eliminating many bilingual education programs and totally ignoring the entire female population of the school. Or did I miss the mention
Slack jawed grin
When I rub Blue’s belly, her jaw goes slack, her eyes glaze over, tiny drops of drool come out the sides of her mouth and she makes very odd moaning sounds. I’ve never gotten that good of a reaction from any human whose belly I’ve rubbed. And that’s why I have dogs instead.
Am I really that different
One of my birds, Kenya the Senegal with a big boy attitude, got hysterical when I first showed up without my glasses. Didn’t recognize me at all. Went to the corner of his cage and just glared at me with his little red eyes pinning. I thought he’d eventually figure it out after the first few meals and cage cleanings. Apparently not. He still acts like an unknown monster has entered his space every time I get near his cage. I wonder how he’s going to feel when I have glasses again this week but they have a different frame.
How do they always find the carpet?
I have eliminated carpet from almost every part of my home and yet when one of my dogs has an accident at night, she always seems to find the little bit of carpeted space left and uses it. Why is that?
Wet vegetables
What in the hell is it with this new trend of keeping vegetables soaking wet at the store? I bring home a bag of little carrots for the birds and the carrots are dripping wet inside the bag. I try to dry them out so they won’t rot before I use them and they grow a slimy something all over them. I nuke them in the microwave in an attempt to then kill the slime and I end up with slimy, nuked carrots that the birds won’t go near with a ten foot pole. Who was it decided we needed
Sweeping by instinct
Since I have to wait a week now that I’ve had the second eye surgery before I can be refracted for glasses, I find myself in the interesting position of sweeping by instinct since the world is so fuzzy. When you have birds, you have to sweep every day. I sweep where I remember they drop seeds the most and then go over the part of the floor that the dogs seem most interested in a lot. I figure I can’t see, but the dogs can still smell. And Blue can sniff out one uneaten sunflower seed from three rooms
Will no one rid us….
Will no one be the first to say, “No more. Not now. Not ever. We will never print Brittany Spears’ name in our paper/weblog/magazine or any other place its appearance might sully optherwise civilized surroundings”. Is there no one out there who will finally shut the door on this most annoying ever personality of all time. Bring back Don Imus. Bring back Tom Cruise. For god’s sakes, bring back Madonna and her metal tits. But spare us another word about this sad, pathetic creature.
Dream big, Alaska!
I don’t want to get all huffy and possessive about this scandal stuff, but I do feel obliged to point out to those people weeping, wailing and wringing their hands over what has befallen our pristine state that this is not the first corruption scandal ever in Alaska. So we should stop acting like a virgin on her wedding night.
And, may I add, our previous corruption scandal involved people who couldn’t be bought for anything that didn’t have six to seven figures before the decimal point. They would have scorned the amounts being cited in current indictments.
I’m speaking,