Let me be healthy for just one day

Let me start by saying that I have some of the most wonderful doctors in the world taking care of me.  I must have or I wouldn’t have lived this long with the rather precarious hold I have on anything that can be termed good health. From my chiropractor to my diabetic doctor, from my alternative medicine practitioner to those wonderful guys who keep my eyes functional, all conspire to keep me alive despite my body’s best efforts to the contrary.

So I don’t want this to be taken as negative towards them but seriously guys, give me a break. Every time I think I’ve finally achieved a perfect office visit, you manage to find something new for me to worry about.  Every time I think I’ve finally achieved the right numbers on all my tests, you change what the numbers should be. Every time I think I’ve finally got it straight about what I should and shouldn’t eat or drink, you direct me to some study that totally contradicts all previous conclusions. I find myself staring in my cupboard at all the things I bought last week that were right then but that this week are only minimally acceptable.

I have been avoiding caffeine like it was the second coming of the bubonic plague only to find out that it had the potential, way back when, of delaying the onset of diabetes if I’d just drunk enough of it. Not only does it apparently not affect my blood pressure, but it has good things like anti-oxidants in it that can help my body.  Suddenly my latte habit makes perfect sense. It’s my body subconsciously yearning for that which will heal it.

On my last visit to a doctor, I discovered that not only was my Vitamin D level low, but apparently in Alaskans it tends to even get lower in winter. So now I have to take Vitamin D supplements.  I mean, seriously, who knew?  Who ever had a Vitamin D test done when having their blood checked in the past?  And what happens if my Vitamin D level is low? I’ve lived in Alaska for 33 years now and have apparently survived many a winter with an unknown Vitamin D level. 

And oh those famous cholesterol levels! Have you noticed how, as soon as we manage to reach a level that is considered acceptable, that vast conspiracy known as “they” lower the level again?  So where once two hundred was considered good control, and then under two hundred became the goal, now it seems they would like it around 150.  It’s like watching the pronounced “ideal” size for women in this country shrink and shrink until we are expected to barely exist.  At one time Marilyn Monroe, a healthy and hefty size 12 to 14, was considered the American ideal. Now weight loss commercials tout products that will shrink you from a 12 to a 4 in two months. 

As someone who has just achieved a size 12 I can only scream, “Stop it!  Stop it this instant!” Every time I sneak up on some goal stated by the media or health care providers or nutritionists or some other group out to make me feel totally inadequate, they move the goal.  I say we declare a six-month moratorium on changing what we should eat or drink or weigh or what magic numbers our blood work should produce.

For six months no one declares that the enemy is now a friend, that bacon can be good for you, that eggs are actually healthy, that coffee can do more than wake you up in the morning. No one is allowed to announce a new study showing pork rinds actually cause weight loss by using up more calories than consumed, that pizza with all the toppings loaded on and cheese stuffed into the crust is now considered health food and that McDonald’s actually had it right all along.

For six months we will discover no new vitamins whose level is wrong in our bodies, no new mineral we stopped ingesting enough of back when our ancestors climbed down out of trees and no one moves the bar any lower than already set for good cholesterol, bad cholesterol and cholesterol that just wants to be left in peace to make a home for its family.

Then I can go back to my doctors without fear and say, “Stick that blood sucking needle into me all you want.  The answers you get will be perfect… if only for the next ten minutes.”