One of those e-mails came to my in-box recently that purported to show famous women with and without makeup. The idea, apparently, was to show that they were just like you and me except with better staff to apply the paint. Quite honestly, most of them looked better in their before makeup picture than I do in after makeup pictures.

However, I am not deterred by something like that. So when I had to go to a reception recently, I gamely applied makeup thinking that this time, maybe when I was done I could at least look like a better version of their before pictures. This dream held true until I tried to put the mascara on. My lashes got all clumped together on one eye. I tried to separate them but only seemed to make them angry so that they clung even more tightly together. I was in a rush and had no time to negotiate with my eyelashes so I grabbed a tissue and tried to just wipe off the mascara so I could start again. Bad idea. The mascara transferred from my lashes to all over my eye. Now I had one eye with lashes and one eye that looked like it had been punched out. So I tried to rub the mascara off but it tends to be somewhat stubborn unless you wash your whole face. I decided to rub my other eye in the hope the mascara would also rub off from the eyelashes that looked good and then I could go to the reception with a general goth look in both eyes.

And do you even want me to go into the tale of trying to get the lipstick right after the dog jumped up on me as I was applying it?

This, girls and boys, is why I generally avoid makeup.