Things to do while isolating

  1. Empty out the junk drawer. Look at what is in there in horror. Try to remember what each random piece of plastic, cap, dried tube and multiple pieces of string and rubber bands are worth keeping. Get frustrated. Throw everything back in drawer and wait for next pandemic or the second coming to clean out. Get stoned. Watch Big Bang reruns.
  2. Check on how much belly button lint you’ve collected since the last time you checked down there. Get very stoned when you realize the amount far exceeded your expectations and watch reruns of NCIS: LA.
  3. Pull out that adult coloring book you got and start coloring. Realize that you no longer are able to color within the lines. Realize this was a lot more fun when you were young and stoned. Get stoned. End up on the couch watching Schitt$ Creek.
  4. Try to copy your address book onto your computer’s contacts program. Realize you don’t know how to do it. Get frustrated. Pound computer keyboard in frustration. Get stoned. Watch Mom reruns.
  5. Look in your closet. Decide to clean out clothes you no longer wear and get them ready to be brought to the shelter. Realize that while sheltering in place you don’t need any clothes beyond a bathrobe. Realize you can’t give all your clothes away without getting strange looks from family and friends. Close closet door. Get stoned. Watch Harry Met Sally and see if it’s as good as you remember.
  6. Try to make that recipe your friend sent you 9 months ago. Realize halfway through that you not only are incapable of doing the recipe, but that you have also now substituted half the ingredients for things you could find in your cupboard that might taste the same in a recipe. Look at the glop you have actually created. Get stoned. Bake the glop. Throw it out to the birds on the back porch. They won’t eat it either. Get more stoned. Watch Grace and Frankie reruns
  7. Clean out all outdated meds in your bathroom. Realize they constitute more than half of you basic medical supplies. Think about going to the store to replace them. Decide expiration dates are more suggestions than anything else and 2012 was a great year for expiration dates. Keep all old medicine because the cheap gene inherited from Nonna Sereni will not die and they might be good for one more dose. What else – now get stoned and watch Orange Peel in Chief try to pretend he isn’t an idiot. Bonus points for taking a puff or a bit of an edible every time he mispronounces a word.

OK, boys and girls. That ought to keep you occupied for awhile. Next week, we’ll move on to more advanced ideas for amusement while self-isolating like folding a fitted sheet. Stoned or straight, this one is bound to cause hours of fun and frolic. And it will teach your pets all new curse words, more than they ever imagined you knew.

Happy Self-Isolating!