Didn’t exercise before – won’t exercise now

There are people in quarantine who are using their time to run up and down their stairs and around their house while carrying heavy loads to keep their cardio workout going. There are those who have finished completely renovating their house, including installing new bathtubs, toilets and sinks throughout. You will find these people on their roofs now replacing tiles. There are those who have finally finished that scarf they’ve been crocheting or that sweater set they’ve been knitting and are now starting on a cozy that will wrap around the entire living room to line it with warmth and color. Creative ideas do arise when sitting home for way too long.

But this column is not for any of those people. They are not my people. They are probably not your people either. My people wander around the house in their bathrobe wondering where to start on any given project and then give up after 15 futile minutes and head back to the couch for Season 3 of Cheers. The goal is to finish all 11 seasons before the quarantine ends, understanding that back in the good old days they made upwards of 22 episodes per season. Yep, my people can make that kind of couch commitment with no problem whatsoever. To say nothing of the fact that my birds are now learning the theme song and can almost sing it with me. And yes, I sing it loudly and way off key – the only key I know – every time it comes on.

Another thing I’ve discovered during this isolation is just how often popcorn is dinner. I figure it starts out as a vegetable, right? So, in my mind, a dinner of popcorn is simply a vegetarian one-step meal – a salad, if you will, without the added calories of the salad dressing. Because, as we all know, any butter used on popcorn gets absorbed by the vegetable content and so sheds no calories or fat to interfere with your enjoyment.

I used to think that the reason so many things didn’t get done around my house was because I was so busy with work and, you know, stuff.  And believe me, it was the stuff that took most of my time. Now I have a lot of time and I am still not doing anything on that list that has been sitting on my desktop for at least 20 years. Turns out they were more useful as an incentive to go to work so I didn’t have to do them than they were things I really ever wanted to do. Now that I don’t work, I need another excuse for why it’s not getting done. So far, all I’ve come up with is that I’m simply too lazy and don’t really want to.

Here’s a fun game to play while alone in your undies eating corn chips for breakfast. I am ordering groceries and take out from every service available and keeping tabs on which service is the best. No, I don’t post my reviews on Yelp. Quite frankly, I’m not even sure how to do that, nor do I want to. This is for me to keep me amused. I use every service once and then start narrowing the slate. It’s like March madness with delivery services. Eventually I will come down to one best service. And then the game will end and I will be faced with all those undone tasks again.

I also had my first telemedicine visit during this time. Well, I would have had my first telemedicine visit had I been able to figure out how to get the picture and voice up on my screen before the doctor had to leave for the day. I’ve got it figured out now. I believe this is known as too little too late. Ended up with simply a phone call, which was fine by me but did crush that whole 21st century vibe. Given both my age and my doctor’s age, the question is whether we should be trying this at all.

Here’s hoping this ends before I try to figure out what this One Drive – Personal is on my computer. Last time I did, I think I accidentally launched a North Korean missile.

Stay safe, stay six feet apart and make sure to mask up when outside.