Elise Sereni Patkotak

I’m pretty sure that if I die, my dog Blue will be sad.  But first she will carefully check all around my body and nudge her nose under my body to ascertain that I didn’t spit up some food as I fell to the floor or didn’t have any on me when I passed.  If she finds even one crumb, her sadness will lift because she’ll know my death was not in vain if it provided her another morsel or scrap of anything even vaguely resembling food.

This dog simply must have some Italian in her. Food cures all for

Is there anything scarier for those poor people hit by tornadoes last week than to have Bush show up to tell them he’s sending FEMA in to help them? They’d be better off with more tornadoes.

I can’t believe they finally buried that Smith woman and no one, absolutely no one, even remotely famous bothered to show up.  Gee, what could that mean? Could it be that even the luridly famous have some bottom line of taste and discretion they will not cross?  Or did Hugh Hefner fear if he showed that he would be looking in the mirror of his future with his 27 year old fiancee? Or maybe, just maybe, this woman was not worth the free air she’s been given almost nonstop for the past few weeks.  TV has once again risen to

Just because I complained about winter, god made the winds come.  They blew so hard I couldn’t walk the dogs. Now the dogs are bouncing off the walls. I’m not saying they aren’t the brightest bulbs in the box but I don’t know how else to explain their reaction to the weather. I let them out the back door into the yard and they do what they have to…after I’ve physically had to shove on Blue’s butt to get her out the door…and then run in like the wind is a prelude to the coming of the Hounds of Hell.

Each fall I look forward to the first snow of winter. It’s so pretty and covers up the brown remnants of summer’s green.  And each year about this time I think, “OH SWEET LORD MAKE THE COLD AND SNOW AND WIND AND COLD AND SNOW AND SNOW AND COLD GO AWAY BEFORE I LOSE WHAT LITTLE IS LEFT OF MY MIND.”

And then I go crawl under a blanket and whimper for an hour or so and feel better.

Why is everyone always so startled to find out that all men institutions tend to attract men who are homosexual? Seriously, look at the Catholic Church…all men, all the time. Why would that not attract you if you were a gay man?  A group that has institutionalized the segregation of women from their midst.  And now people are shocked, shocked I say, to find out there may be gay basketball players. The next thing you know, someone will tell us that baseball and football have the same issue.  Then America will truly fall apart since these three sports, as best

Get gastric bypass surgery. You’re starting to look like Marlon Brando, the later years.

I don’t know about you, but I wear sweats and a tiara while eating bean soup and corn bread to celebrate this most glamorous of all nig….oh god, I can’t even fake my enthusiasm long enough to finish that sentence. I watch them to see what ridiculous gowns will appear this year on people old enough to know better. So far, nothing in recent history matches the lady who wore the swan or the one who looked like an anorexic ballet dancer or that see through outfit Barbra Streisand wore when her butt loomed so large.  Each year I keep