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Lala Land – the world of Vegas and L.A.

On my way east for the holidays this year, I took a little detour to join my sister on a road trip that went from LaLa Land to the Land of Fruits and Nuts and back.  I am, of course, referring to a trip from Las Vegas to Southern California and back

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Did you know that there was a four-story store dedicated to M&M’s on the strip in Las Vegas?  Better yet, you can actually get maroon and teal M&M’s there.  You can’t miss it. It’s right next to the Coca-Cola store.  Who knew soda and candy could be

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Holiday traditions

For reasons based mainly in guilt, I am actually going to travel east this holiday season.  After an absence of five years, my brother will be part of my mother’s holiday again and my sister and I decided that it would be nice if we were all together for Christmas Eve – something we haven’t achieved for more than 15 years.  Besides, it was easier to just accept the horror of holiday travel than to accept the quiet sighs from my mother that would end every conversation we’d have between now and Christmas if I wasn’t heading east.

This holiday

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I don’t mean to whine, but what winter?

I don’t want to sound like I’m whining here, but what is it with all this rain in December?  Does Anchorage not have any idea at all about how to do winter?

I look out at the street in front of my house and instead of those lovely brown snow berms, I see four inches of ice so smooth you could hold Olympic tryouts on it.  The mud that I associate with spring break up is a Christmas phenomenon here.

At the risk of sounding like a displaced bush rat, let me just say that in the bush we know

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Go ahead…make my mother’s day!

Of all the things I expected my mother to become in her old age, a female Dirty Harry did not even make the Top 10. And yet, this 83 year old Italian lady has taken to chasing intruders out of her house with telephones and colanders and then going back to bed without giving it another thought.

The first time this happened, the family was more than a little amazed but felt that since it happened in broad daylight, she was probably feeling braver than she would have otherwise. Someone had climbed into her kitchen window as she watched her

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America’s position on tobacco as twisted as pretzel on acid

It occurred to me recently that if America’s position on tobacco were to be represented graphically, it would look like a pretzel on acid.

I say this because I find myself smiling cynically every time another public figure expresses outrage over something a tobacco company has done.  In particular, I find myself grinning at the latest brouhaha that developed when one of our fine tobacco companies recently tried to convince an Eastern European country that they were actually some positive benefits to their product. Like, for instance, early death that keeps down all those pesky health care costs incurred when

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Pure pork fat covered in chocolate…yum.yum

Pure pork fat covered in chocolate – does it get much better than that? A Ukrainian chocolate factory apparently doesn’t think so.  This is their newest offering.  In what can only be called a truth in advertising campaign, the name of their product is “Fat in Chocolate”.

It’s true that life’s greatest pleasures are its simplest, isn’t it?  Just plain old Fat in Chocolate.  No fancy name to cover up its deadly sin.  No jazzy advertising campaign to make us believe that eating pork fat covered chocolate will make us prettier or sexier or more virile.  In fact, it will

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Columns 2000

Parrot poop and one very neurotic parrot

Here’s one of those professional excuses you are not going to hear very often.  As I made my later entrance to a meeting recently, the only explanation I could give was that my parrot will not poop unless he is in a familiar environment.

Let me back up here for a moment.  A few years ago I became the proud owner of a slight neurotic, extremely needy but ultimately very loving African Grey parrot named Abdul.  Abdul had had at least a couple of previous owners that I knew about and this meant that I would never know where some

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Columns 2000

So I’m not graceful, so sue me

No one has ever accused me of being particularly graceful or coordinated. In fact, there are some who, having seen me attempt to dance, would suggest that I am “differently abled” in that regard.  As a child, the only time I ever danced was to slow music with my father at weddings. Everyone else was simply afraid to ask me.  Dad had no choice.

At some point in my slightly misspent youth, I was actually known to get up and try to fast dance at the Polar Bear Theater’s nightly festivities in Barrow. But even the mind-altering substances of the

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Columns 2000

A little honesty would be refreshing

About a month ago, I wrote a fairly positive column about Alaska Airlines and their services aboard a flight I took.  I recently took another flight with Alaska that re-enforced for me the fact that, for whatever reason, Alaska seems to be able to hire some pretty good staff.

During the flight in question, a gentleman sitting across from me slammed down five drinks in a row and then got angry when he was refused service for the sixth. He got fairly loud and looked to me for sympathy.  He stopped doing that after I told him I didn’t think

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Columns 2000

Allergies, AAAAHHHCHHOOOOO

In my 53 years of life, I’ve only ever experienced 25 fall seasons.  Due to acute hay fever as a child, most of those autumns were times of misery.  Starting in July, I would go to my friendly allergist twice a week to get injections and have my sinuses drained. Dr. Dittenfass was the allergist’s name and he tried his best to be gentle and caring. But I could just never warm to someone coming at me to stick sharp metal rods up my nose.

What I remember about autumn back east is not being able to breathe. I remember

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