Why I should never be asked to appear in public

So I was heading off to a charity luncheon where I volunteer as a waitress. I put on the nicest pair of pants I have only to notice a coffee stain on the pant leg. So I tried to wipe it off using a wet kleenix. That left crumbs of white lint on my pants and a big wet stain. So I tried to blow dry the wet spot. When it dried, I found out that what I’d done was create an even bigger, albeit lighter, stain. So I changed to my next best pair of pants. Then I let the dogs in. Blue jumped up to greet me. I don’t know what she stepped on in the yard before coming in, but she managed to smear it down my second best pair of pants. I don’t have a third best pair of pants so I just put on the only pair of pants I had left that were in the brown/tan category since I had my brown shoes on. Thank god I got to wear an apron the whole time I waitressed. It covered up the coffee I spilled on the pants when I went to the latte stand before going to the luncheon.

And this is why I should not be allowed to appear in public unless I can keep my coat on.