I can take my tiara off now

The Oscars are over so my tiara is retired to its box until next year. And what, you ask, did I get out of this year’s event? Well, I learned that little kids in tuxes are almost inevitably darling looking and when they try to practice their English on national TV, it makes you want to just grab them up and hug them. And I learned that despite the amount of talent that apparently works on this show each year, it is heading down the path of the Miss America Pageant when it comes to keeping an audience interested for that long. I learned that no matter how much talent you may have as an individual, when someone puts you onstage next to a bunch of other actors to announce an award, the sum is inevitably far less than the individual parts.I learned all over again that Tina Fey and Steve Martin can stand on a stage in total silence and be funnier than most people can be with three hours worth of prepared material. I learned that Ben Stiller does Joaquin Phoenix better than Joaquin does.

But mostly I learned that I’d like Hugh Jackman wrapped up with a pretty bow on top and placed on my doorstep ASAP because no one that darling should be allowed to live without pleasuring me at least once.