Elise Sereni Patkotak

When you have a dog, you are never alone and never not adored. They even follow you into the bathroom and stare at you adoringly while you pee.  It’s as though, in their eyes, no one has ever peed so well and masterfully before or ever will again…until the next time you go in. Where else can you find that kind of adoration…except perhaps from some sick bastard with a bathroom fetish.

I always wondered why southern things…from southern belles to southern peaches…always seemed so lush and ripe and on the endge. Now I know why. Because you have a choice in this humidity. You can be ripe or you can be one huge lump of mold and mildew.  I think Charleston is beautiful but please lord, get me back to the zero humidity of Alaska.  I don’t care what that does to my skin and hair. At least I’ll feel like I can breathe again.  Who the hell ever settled here before air conditioning. Were they crazy?

I leave tonight to take the train to see my new great godchild today. And I realize how thrilled I am that thanks to the cataract surgery, I’ll really be able to see him. And I’ll see the trees and skies and the color of his eyes with great clarity. What a wonderful gift science has given me.

My dog comes in from a long walk, tongue hanging out, panting. She heads immediately to her water dish and starts lapping hungrily. I stop her, pick up the dish and replace the old, warm water with fresh cold water and return the dish to her. She resumes lapping up the water with the same enthusiasm as before. And it occurs to me that the fresh cold water thrills me more than her. In fact, I don’t even think she notices. Then I remember. This dog drinks skanky standing water from still puddles she finds on our walks. Clearly being

Here’s the advantage of being a FAIRY Great Godmother…I don’t ever have to age. So when my godchild’s new son grows up, I will be just as young in his eyes as I am in hers.  You gotta love those magic wands.

My mother, a staunch, old fashioned Roman Catholic Italian, once traveled to a Bris for my cousin’s two adopted sons from Brazil that he was raising with his same sex partner. I thought that was one of the longest journeys our family ever took, immigration from Italy notwithstanding. Yesterday, my cousin’s son celebrated his marriage with a traditional Chinese tea ceremony at his parent’s home.  It was beautiful even if, for a boisterous lot of Italian, a bit odd. I think of it as another long journey from what we know to the whole glorious world beyond our comfort zone

If the shirt I wear to Joe Three and Hilda’s wedding today is made from wood (and it is), am I putting the whole wedding in greater danger of forest fire?

I was on my way to a business lunch last week, dashing down the highway because I was late, when I tried to drink and drive. There’s a reason they tell you not to do that. In the blink of an eye I went from a neatly dressed business woman to someone wearing an entire latte down the front of her shirt and pants.

I went home to change only to realize how few summer clothes I actually have that are not T-shirts from Value Village with writing on them.  So I went out and bought three tops – yes,

I start my visit East today. I am into total guilt and complete panic over sending Blue and Blondie to a kennel even though I know it’s only for six days.  Sigh…..I kept apologizing to them. Do you think they understood that I’ll be back. I don’t want them to feel betrayed.

God, I need to get a life.

Paris Hilton has apparently found god in prison. Assuming she would actually be able to recognize him correctly, this is good news for all of us who were worried when He didn’t come home for the past few nights.