Elise Sereni Patkotak

When I rub Blue’s belly, her jaw goes slack, her eyes glaze over, tiny drops of drool come out the sides of her mouth and she makes very odd moaning sounds. I’ve never gotten that good of a reaction from any human whose belly I’ve rubbed. And that’s why I have dogs instead.

One of my birds, Kenya the Senegal with a big boy attitude, got hysterical when I first showed up without my glasses.  Didn’t recognize me at all. Went to the corner of his cage and just glared at me with his little red eyes pinning.  I thought he’d eventually figure it out after the first few meals and cage cleanings. Apparently not. He still acts like an unknown monster has entered his space every time I get near his cage. I wonder how he’s going to feel when I have glasses again this week but they have a different frame.

I have eliminated carpet from almost every part of my home and yet when one of my dogs has an accident at night, she always seems to find the little bit of carpeted space left and uses it. Why is that?

What in the hell is it with this new trend of keeping vegetables soaking wet at the store? I bring home a bag of little carrots for the birds and the carrots are dripping wet inside the bag. I try to dry them out so they won’t rot before I use them and they grow a slimy something all over them. I nuke them in the microwave in an attempt to then kill the slime and I end up with slimy, nuked carrots that the birds won’t go near with a ten foot pole. Who was it decided we needed

Since I have to wait a week now that I’ve had the second eye surgery before I can be refracted for glasses, I find myself in the interesting position of sweeping by instinct since the world is so fuzzy. When you have birds, you have to sweep every day.  I sweep where I remember they drop seeds the most and then go over the part of the floor that the dogs seem most interested in a lot. I figure I can’t see, but the dogs can still smell. And Blue can sniff out one uneaten sunflower seed from three rooms

Will no one be the first to say, “No more. Not now. Not ever. We will never print Brittany Spears’ name in our paper/weblog/magazine or any other place its appearance might sully optherwise civilized surroundings”.  Is there no one out there who will finally shut the door on this most annoying ever personality of all time. Bring back Don Imus.  Bring back Tom Cruise.  For god’s sakes, bring back Madonna and her metal tits. But spare us another word about this sad, pathetic creature.

The sun finally came out in Anchorage this weekend. Blondie, my happy retriever/lab/ridgeback/mutt sat in the back yard in bliss, basking in it. Blue, my wannabee blue-heeler mix, on the other hand, doesn’t like to be cut off for even five minutes from her favorite food source…the bottom of the bird cages. She chooses to stay inside where she can detect the sound of a crumb falling to the bottom of the cage from four rooms away and catch it before it bounces twice.