I needed a new bathrobe. The one I was using was twenty years old and I had bought it second hand so there’s a good chance it was a lot older. But I loved it – right up until it simply started falling apart piece by piece in the wash.
So I did what all good Americans do who go shopping nowadays. I went to Amazon and typed in bathrobes. Quite a variety showed up. Some as expensive as $80 and some as cheap as $34. My nona’s cheap genes jump in when I least expect them to. I bought the $34 one.
It arrived soon thereafter at which point I realized that I had bought a 2x, a size I used to be but apparently no longer am. It flowed on me like water. I could shelter both dogs and my refrigerator in it with me. The second thing I realized is that it wasn’t exactly as warm as advertised. It was, in fact, made of some fairly thin material. It was definitely not going to keep me warm on a cold Anchorage evening.
But I am not good at returning things. Quite frankly, I can’t even figure out how to do it with Amazon or any other online store. So I kept it. I figured I could always put a few nightgowns on underneath it, given its fairly large proportions, to keep me warm. Problem solved. No need to shop more or return anything.
And then I realized that the zipper was on backwards as though this were a men’s bathrobe… and for my relatives out there, no it’s not a man’s bathrobe. I checked! Anyhow, the zipper made me crazy. My arms barely function as it is. No way was I able to get that zipper up and down without at least a ten minute cussing bout in the bathroom.
So I decided to put in a new zipper. After all, I thought, how much could that be? And wasn’t it worth it if the robe was going to be around for awhile? So I went to the alterations store and handed in the robe with the request for a new zipper. I honestly thought the woman said $5.50. She actually, apparently, said $55.
Have I mentioned my inability to stop a transaction once it starts? I now own a $34 bathrobe with a new $55 zipper that would look more in place on a parka used to climb Everest. It is so heavy, it actually weighs the bathrobe down.
And this is why I should never be allowed to shop alone…. though I now won’t need another bathrobe for at least twenty years. And I’m pretty sure the zipper will live a lot longer.