Elise Sereni Patkotak

Once again I misread sentiment. It’s the story of my love life…such as it was when I had one. And now it even extends to birds. Yesterday, a Great Horned Owl that I have been feeding at Bird TLC for at least a year flew into my face talons first, making me even more attractive now than ever before with little holes around my eye. It wasn’t her fault. She was hungry and I was holding six very tasty mice so you can understand how she lost her patience and thought she’d urge me to put them down quicker by

The following top ten fashion rules for Los Angeles women comes from a reader down in Homer, Barbara Landi. After reading my column on how you can tell you’re getting closer to Alaska by the fashions women are wearing at the airport gates, she sent me the following based on her observations of women at LAX.

1. Let there be gold in your outfit somewhere, preferably everywhere.

2. Thy shoes shall have no backs and be the least comfortable footware on the rack. (Too bad if you have to run to make a connection.  You will never make it anyway.)

I see people jogging, working out at Curves, riding bikes, all with an intensity I usually reserve for sex.  Ok, that I used to reserve for sex back when I had any. As I enter the last stages of middle age, I feel I can now admit that I don’t like exercise, I have never liked exercise and I will probably die not liking to exercise. I simply don’t get what everyone seems so excited about…you know the people I’m talking about…they finish a ten mile jog and are pumped and jumping up and down on endorphins or heroin or

…you are shaking a bottle that says “Shake well before using” and you feel the skin on your cheeks flapping with the effort.

So all those southern Republican senators are proud that they managed to scuttle the bailout of the auto industry because unions would not agree to immediate wage cuts. Hmmm….I don’t remember them making the heads of those failed banks and investment houses agree to wage or even bonus cuts before they tossed a gabillion dollars their way, do you?

Otherwise, how to explain the fact that it is a week before Christmas and I’m not at the point where I want to blow my radio up from the constant repetition of those damn Christmas carols. Those campaign ads left me literally numb to all other annoyances.

I think the reason Christmas is so subdued this year is because for most of us, Christmas will really come on January 20, 2009 when we will get our national Christmas wish for a president with a brain.

As I struggle daily with my weight, it’s nice to see that even having more money than god, plus probably a personal chef and a diet counselor at your beck and call, is still not always enough. If Oprah can gain the weight back despite every advantage in the world, us ordinary folks should be cut some slack in our ongoing battle.