Author: Elise Patkotak

The first thing I heard was the rattling of the dishes in my cupboards. Then it sounded like a train was rumbling by. And then it started shaking. This was the worse my house has shook since the initial 7.0.

I sat there holding my dogs, wondering if I should dive under the table, when the shaking stopped. And I just sat there numb. I was afraid to move for fear that if I did, the earth would start shaking again. My dogs were so curled into me that you couldn’t see any space between us. I wanted to tell Continue reading →

I logged on to my website to find a page long comment written in Russian. I don’t know what it said. I don’t care. All I know is that the Russians think I’m important enough to try to crawl into my website.

I blocked them, of course. But I am still thrilled that they thought I was important enough to hack. If only I knew what they were saying. God I hope it wasn’t just an advertisement for large, Russian penises.

Continue reading →

The headline says that some Kardashian or Jenner wore a totally see through gown that showed her naked ass. The headline made this a breathless statement as though it was not something we routinely see.

So let me make this perfectly clear. We have seen every part of every one of those sluts at least a million times. Their asses. Their vaginas. Their breasts. All have been seen and photographed on multiple occasions. So please spare me the all caps headlines about yet another one of their naked asses.

And just to be clear, walking around naked is not always Continue reading →

The POS currently sullying the White House apparently can’t even get talking to children straight. And those conversations tend to be on his level – juvenile and simple.

But POS managed to get on the phone with a seven year old and question why the child still believed in Santa Claus. Seriously, who the hell does something like that?

Did his staff not give him talking points? Did he actually need a cheat sheet that said not to shake a child’s belief in Santa on the night before Christmas? Is there no adult left in the White House who can Continue reading →

My deck is covered a few feet deep in snow except for where the magpies and pigeons have stomped it down trying to find food. So if you go out my deck door, you face a little hill of snow you have to go over to get to the flat stuff on the other side.

Poor Nayla had to pee and since it was late at night, I let her out on the deck rather than go downstairs with her. She stood for a moment in front of what must have seemed like a mountain to her and apparently decided Continue reading →

POS seems to think he can run everything himself because he’s the smartest guy in any room and has a gut that rivals Gibb’s for accuracy. He’s wrong, of course. He’s neither smart nor anything like Leroy Jethro Gibbs who actually believes in honor and truth. Neither of those adjectives apply to the POS currently sullying the White House.

But with each passing day, it becomes obvious that he really doesn’t want advice or input from anyone except that weird little voice in his head. You know the one. It’s the same little voice that told him orange was a Continue reading →

Here’s how I’m coping with the aftershocks that make me want to scream. I put the toilet lid down.

That’s right. When the earthquake struck, the lid was up and my medicine cabinet had its contents dumped into the needing to be flushed toilet. I got the tongs from the kitchen, gingerly picked all the stuff out of the toilet, dumped the tongs in the same bag when all had been removed and placed everything into the trash.

So now, every time I use the toilet, I put the lid down. I do this on the theory that the goddess Continue reading →

People who love the Christmas holidays have a very difficult time with those of us who don’t. In their hearts they mean so very well. They keep giving Christmas decorations, Christmas stuffed toys, table top Christmas trees, Styrofoam candy canes – you name it and I promise you those of us who do not particularly like or celebrate this holiday have received it as a gift.

Most often this gift comes with the words, “You don’t have anything for Christmas in your house so I thought I’d give you a little something to put out.”

But here’s the thing. It’s Continue reading →